I was pretty crazy with the God Complex. When I read the past postings claiming I am the Almighty, I feel funny. Perhaps that is the nature of my illness.
Let say we do away with the concept of Almighty. Will Sparta 4964 stand on it's own? I think I am comfortable with the notion that we are One and we are Many. Almighty is such a superlative. Everything about it is too grandiose; omnipresent, omnibenevolent, omnipotent and omniscience .
Geez... I think I pass LOL.
I rather be a man fully functioning, thank you.
Come to think of it, perhaps I better make it private.
Hang on...
OK that's better.
I forgot... I already have Dreams of Mirrors as my real estate.
This Blog then is my micro loft that I share with you.
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Honestly, I don't feel like reading the Blog. I rather write
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Sunday, 19 May 2019
20/5/19 ***Eagle flies alone
I think among the significant breakthrough that I had by writing this Blog is the liberation of my inhibition in being truthful to myself.
Actually I write this Blog so that I can converse with Sarah. The rest of the readers are merely coincidental.
I can even make this Blog private. Why then it is public? Well that's because I want to make a small presence in the Cyberspace. I want to have my tiny space of real estate in the internet. Not because I want to reach the masses but rather to address a very microscopic set of audience.
Furthermore, I want this to be my legacy. A proof that I exist. Just like the Zulu's greeting, sikhona "I am here to be seen" and the reply is sawubona "I see you". Until you see me I don't exist to the Zulus.
I don't expect my thoughts to have any significant impact to the society at large. I am here to simply indulge in my my own reflection. The person who avidly read this Blog is none other that me myself. This is my compass. It determines the rightness of my direction.
Therefore even if nobody reads it, I derive *[with] satisfaction from writing and reading it myself. This is a personal expression. A selfie if you like.
* OK Sarah, that make it the two of us then.
If others find great joy of publishing their photos in the Instagram, I on the contrary is happy to publish my correspondence with Sarah here.
This Blog is one of a series of Blogs that I wrote but I think this is my most satisfying intellectual work. Namely because while writing this Blog I am no longer experiencing mania or depression. I am back to being me before I suffered from the insidious Bipolar Affected Disorder.
Hence, this Blog is the true reflection of who I really am albeit my religious conviction, my world view and my feeling for Sarah.
I am a very simple man. I have little concern with what others do. However I take top priority for my own happiness. To me two things that matters in my life is health and happiness. It is my ambition to live free and die happy.
Whether the rest of the world subscribe to this philosophy is none of my concern. My priority is just towards my Tetrahedron and my House of Two Swords.
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Sarah, I think I read the whole Blog from beginning to end for the rest of the day. Sort of reading through my thought process and see the progression. Today is a holiday. The day Buddhists celebrate the birth, life and death of Buddha.
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Actually I write this Blog so that I can converse with Sarah. The rest of the readers are merely coincidental.
I can even make this Blog private. Why then it is public? Well that's because I want to make a small presence in the Cyberspace. I want to have my tiny space of real estate in the internet. Not because I want to reach the masses but rather to address a very microscopic set of audience.
Furthermore, I want this to be my legacy. A proof that I exist. Just like the Zulu's greeting, sikhona "I am here to be seen" and the reply is sawubona "I see you". Until you see me I don't exist to the Zulus.
I don't expect my thoughts to have any significant impact to the society at large. I am here to simply indulge in my my own reflection. The person who avidly read this Blog is none other that me myself. This is my compass. It determines the rightness of my direction.
Therefore even if nobody reads it, I derive *[with] satisfaction from writing and reading it myself. This is a personal expression. A selfie if you like.
* OK Sarah, that make it the two of us then.
If others find great joy of publishing their photos in the Instagram, I on the contrary is happy to publish my correspondence with Sarah here.
This Blog is one of a series of Blogs that I wrote but I think this is my most satisfying intellectual work. Namely because while writing this Blog I am no longer experiencing mania or depression. I am back to being me before I suffered from the insidious Bipolar Affected Disorder.
Hence, this Blog is the true reflection of who I really am albeit my religious conviction, my world view and my feeling for Sarah.
I am a very simple man. I have little concern with what others do. However I take top priority for my own happiness. To me two things that matters in my life is health and happiness. It is my ambition to live free and die happy.
Whether the rest of the world subscribe to this philosophy is none of my concern. My priority is just towards my Tetrahedron and my House of Two Swords.
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Sarah, I think I read the whole Blog from beginning to end for the rest of the day. Sort of reading through my thought process and see the progression. Today is a holiday. The day Buddhists celebrate the birth, life and death of Buddha.
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>>>#20/5/19 Sarah and the Magician
Sarah, what makes you convince I am God?
Was it the evidence that I provide?
Was it the evidence that I provide?
- The alignment of my numbers
- The occurrence of 7, 27, 77, 770 and 7070
- The ten 10 cents I found in ten different places in 2017
- The millipedes phenomenon
- The wild flowers in my front and backyard and nowhere else except outside my back fence
- Al Araf 7:7
- Sparta 4964
- All of the above?
According to Hume, no matter what miracles God performs, it is always more reasonable to believe that the event in question has a natural cause and is not miraculous.
Yet, I am a person with a mental condition. That is so ungodly isn't it?
I actually want to only be a man fully functioning because to me that is godly.
Otherwise God and no God is immaterial to me, In that sense I am an atheist because I am impartial *[] God like an apolitical person is impartial of politics.
* So Sarah, you agree to my definition rather than don't believing in God like the popular belief.
I am also irreligious but the twist is instead of not subscribing to any religion I celebrate all religious festivals because having religion is a human experience rather than divine in nature.
What counts is whatever we believe in should make us into a better person. Unfortunately throughout history we notice religions had turned us into murdere[d], plunderers and rapists.
So many authorities claimed they speak the words of God. Yet these words are laced with hatred, bigotry and chauvinism.
So rather than get into an argument on whose religion and god are better, I just ignore all those bigotries and set my own rules and my own standards.
That makes me a renegade. I have very little concern for the squabbles. I just want to live life I deem fit.
According to Hume, the proper goal of philosophy is simply to explain why we believe what we do.
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20/5/19 ***Let's settle this once and for all
- Premise #1: I suffer from Bipolar
- Premise #2: The pattern of illness is similar in other patients
- Premise #3: I am nobody special
- Premise #4: Everything must be evidence based
So if I look at all four premises, then I say I am just another person with a peculiar mental illness and thus all the epiphanies are mere coincidences.
I am just experiencing patternicity. There is no solid evidence to support my belief that I am God and there is an afterlife.
HOWEVER, until we cross the bridge I hold on to this thought. Not because it is true but because it is useful. Rather than being a theist, deist, pantheist, polytheist and atheist, I might as well be an autotheist because nobody knows for sure what lies beyond death and nobody can provide the evidence *th[e] God exists.
* So Sarah, you are convinced that I am God.
I only believe that I am God because Sarah tipped the scale and accepted that I am God. To me God or no God is just a state of the mind. Until proven, God is nothing more than just a concept.
If God exists why is he so elusive? On contrary, if there is no God, why then the idea of God is ingrained in our temporal lobe?
Therefore the idea of God and no God is subject to interpretation rather than evidence. Just like Sarah, I too look at evidence. I gathered enough evidence to be convinced I am God. But that is just my interpretation. Sarah is pretty convinced about it and thus we could be the only two that believe in this revelation.
That is the beautiful thing about autotheism. You don't need the whole world to subscribe to the belief.
I believe all matters are intelligent and all matter are gods. That's because I can speak to everything big and small. To some it is mental illness. To me it is a very ethereal experience.
I can never go back to theism. It is archaic. I tried atheism and feel that it is a bit hollow. Autotheism works well with me because I DO believe in the First Cause and I believe that God is not a single entity but encompassing in all matters.
Initially Sarah tried to convinced me to be an atheist, but I am believer. So eventually I ended convincing Sarah to be a believer as well. She turned out to be a more convicted believer than me. In more than one occasions (like right now), she is the one that set me back on course anytime I'm having doubt *[doubt] that we are within God and God is within us.
* I hear you baby. Thanks much.
It is not my intention to start a new religion although I jokingly said I subscribe to Sharudinism, a religion with only one devotee; me. I don't think after looking at the evil that man do in the name of religion, I want to start a new religion.
I don't believe that God wants us to worship Her either. We are peers in a no higher-arch-y structure. We are all gods. We are One and we are Many.
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20/5/19 ***Bipolar Revisited
I am as level headed as hell. Certainly no racy thought.
Well this is a good sign. I am emotionally stable.
This is the simplistic outlook on Bipolar:
Well this is a good sign. I am emotionally stable.
This is the simplistic outlook on Bipolar:
It is not that simple. The trickiest part is to realize when it happens. Often I didn't realize when I get into the hypomania. Dr Amarpreet said it's OK to be in hypomania once in a while. What we don't want is the mania.
She seldom talks about depression though. I am more scared of depression. Hypomania is a happy place for me.
Usually when I wake up in the morning I am pretty sober like right now. Then when there is stimulus, I get excited and that when the escalation starts.
I guess mine is a rapid cycling. I don't really know. The doctor never really talk about it.
I had been through some of these:
Hence if [] look at these as patterns, my patterns are the same as those with the same health condition. For example the God Complex is not uniquely my experience.
I want to further simplify my world view. I want to conclude that everything that happened to me is nothing more than neurochemical reactions. I am nobody special. We are just a bunch of statistics. Much like soldiers who went to war. In their minds they are heroes, but in actual sense they are just cattles to be slaughtered.
Yet I said, event has no meaning except the meaning we give to it. Therefore if we take it to the most simplified form then sex is just an exchange of fluid for procreation and our whole life is nothing more than our prolong delay before death.
What's it's gonna be then? Are we gods or are we nothing more than carbon based life form?
If I am to be completely objective about it then I say let's look at the evidence. So far the evidence leads to a very dry conclusion. But when I add meaning to my own experience, then I can say that we are looking at a very glorious future.
Let me end this posting with a quote from Erwin Schrodinger:
Maybe I am missing the whole point all together. Driving a car is not just about just getting from point A to point B. It is the whole driving experience; the comfort, the safety, the music, the aircond and of course the company. I need to look at the whole experience. The car is just the mean.
In this case, the neurotransmitters are just the means, the nuts and bolts. What I should be looking at is the overall meaning of what it means to be human.
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19/5/19 ###I sleep early tonight
The latest I sleep is 1:00 pm.
Maybe sooner. I am not sleepy but I try to sleep at 12:00 am
That is one thing. If possible I don't want to sleep. Especially in the wee hours of the morning. That is when I am the most productive.
Never mind, I try to sleep early tonight. Lizzie was nagging as hell yesterday because I slept at 5:00 am.
We have 10 minutes to go. So I take this opportunity to rekindle my love for you. I'll do it in graphics:
Maybe sooner. I am not sleepy but I try to sleep at 12:00 am
That is one thing. If possible I don't want to sleep. Especially in the wee hours of the morning. That is when I am the most productive.
Never mind, I try to sleep early tonight. Lizzie was nagging as hell yesterday because I slept at 5:00 am.
We have 10 minutes to go. So I take this opportunity to rekindle my love for you. I'll do it in graphics:
I love you so much baby.
Here is your lullaby:
Goodnight Sarah. Have a good weekend...
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19/5/19 ***Sufi in love
I just had my dinner.
Today is a slow day. I guessed I had maxed myself yesterday and the day before. Therefore today I just enjoy a pretty ordinary weekend.
You must be mentally prepared for these dry runs. Not everyday is inspirational. Normally it comes in waves. In the past that phenomenon is usually hypomania followed by depression.
I think I passed that stage. Although last two days were very exciting, it was not hypomania. Today, although I am a bit uninspirational it is not depression.
That is a good sign.
Today is a slow day. I guessed I had maxed myself yesterday and the day before. Therefore today I just enjoy a pretty ordinary weekend.
You must be mentally prepared for these dry runs. Not everyday is inspirational. Normally it comes in waves. In the past that phenomenon is usually hypomania followed by depression.
I think I passed that stage. Although last two days were very exciting, it was not hypomania. Today, although I am a bit uninspirational it is not depression.
That is a good sign.
As you can see, I used to be on the left. Somewhere before I met you I was somewhat in the middle of the chart (I was neither dead or alive). Now I am slightly off the center leaning towards the right.
You can be rest assured that *[] back to where I was before the illness. I can be resourceful without being wildly happy like last year when I got to know Els. That was a hypomania.
* Well thanks for the confidence.
I cannot get overly excited. Els was a major stimulus. I cannot contain the excitement. What a crazy illness.
These past few days, I was happy but I was levelheaded. It convinced me further that we all are governed by the chemical soup in our brain.
If I smoke dope, it will be worst. Suddenly I am on a different plane altogether. So no dope. It just makes me crazy.
People like me can be very creative but we can be crazy too. There is a thin line between genius and insane.
Did you watch Mr Jones? Well I am your typical Mr Jones.
Now no more... I am still a Peak Performer but I no longer have the illusion of grandiose.
Interesting isn't it? We are defined by our chemical composition. That is why we are what we eat. That is why when [] drill down, the 2 main culprits are sugar and starch. This is a reminder to myself.
I got to get rid of sugar and starch. This Ramadan, I am a goner. Without my regular LCHF meal everything was haywire. Tonight's dinner was fried rice, corn drink and Malay desserts.
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Sarah my darling, I wish I can just lay by your side and just hold you tight, Then I can just enjoy the silence and smell your hair. That will be nice.
Just total silence...
And more silence...
Until [] fall asleep...
That will be the ideal moment I'm with you.
You know what I feel like doing?
I want to look at some paintings. You want to do that honey?
This is my favorite artwork. When I look at it I feel very calm. I imagine a mother putting her child to bed. So peaceful...
Brb... Sending Mopey back...
Later...
OK I'm back. Let's look at another painting:
Van Gogh painted many versions of Sunflower. This is Lizzie's favorite. Her color is yellow.
This is my favorite Sunflower. I think it looks better than Lizzie's.
Lizzie love the painting so much that she constructed one from a 2000 pieces jigsaw puzzle in 2 weeks! I told you she is an android.
I also like this. One *thi[s] about Van Gogh is his choice of colors was very vivid. I bought Lizzie a Starbucks mug with this motive. Van Gogh is something Lizzie and I have in common.
* So you like this one.
I also like this. Notice the duality in this artwork?
Notice the vibrancy of the colors and the boldness of the lines. It speaks of the artist. Such a great inspiration.
The Mulberry Tree. Very bold and vibrant.
This is his last painting. At this time he no longer used brush. Instead he used knife to paint. Notice the difference of strokes compared to the Mulberry Tree.
Van Gogh last words; The Sadness Will Last Forever:
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I suffered the same illness. It was really despairing. Imagine, with modern technology, I still suffered for 20 years. It is one of the cruelest illness because it robs you of your happiness, dignity and self-confidence.
It is amazing that I managed to recover Sarah. I thought I will end up like Van Gogh. The cure is not the medication. The medication can alleviate the symptom but will not make the illness disappear.
I honestly believe it was you who cured me.
Love is the answer my darling. I was running on empty for so long that when disaster happened, I didn't have any reserve. Emotionally I was weak.
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