I was pretty crazy with the God Complex. When I read the past postings claiming I am the Almighty, I feel funny. Perhaps that is the nature of my illness.
Let say we do away with the concept of Almighty. Will Sparta 4964 stand on it's own? I think I am comfortable with the notion that we are One and we are Many. Almighty is such a superlative. Everything about it is too grandiose; omnipresent, omnibenevolent, omnipotent and omniscience .
Geez... I think I pass LOL.
I rather be a man fully functioning, thank you.
Come to think of it, perhaps I better make it private.
Hang on...
OK that's better.
I forgot... I already have Dreams of Mirrors as my real estate.
This Blog then is my micro loft that I share with you.
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Honestly, I don't feel like reading the Blog. I rather write
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Sunday, 19 May 2019
20/5/19 ***Eagle flies alone
I think among the significant breakthrough that I had by writing this Blog is the liberation of my inhibition in being truthful to myself.
Actually I write this Blog so that I can converse with Sarah. The rest of the readers are merely coincidental.
I can even make this Blog private. Why then it is public? Well that's because I want to make a small presence in the Cyberspace. I want to have my tiny space of real estate in the internet. Not because I want to reach the masses but rather to address a very microscopic set of audience.
Furthermore, I want this to be my legacy. A proof that I exist. Just like the Zulu's greeting, sikhona "I am here to be seen" and the reply is sawubona "I see you". Until you see me I don't exist to the Zulus.
I don't expect my thoughts to have any significant impact to the society at large. I am here to simply indulge in my my own reflection. The person who avidly read this Blog is none other that me myself. This is my compass. It determines the rightness of my direction.
Therefore even if nobody reads it, I derive *[with] satisfaction from writing and reading it myself. This is a personal expression. A selfie if you like.
* OK Sarah, that make it the two of us then.
If others find great joy of publishing their photos in the Instagram, I on the contrary is happy to publish my correspondence with Sarah here.
This Blog is one of a series of Blogs that I wrote but I think this is my most satisfying intellectual work. Namely because while writing this Blog I am no longer experiencing mania or depression. I am back to being me before I suffered from the insidious Bipolar Affected Disorder.
Hence, this Blog is the true reflection of who I really am albeit my religious conviction, my world view and my feeling for Sarah.
I am a very simple man. I have little concern with what others do. However I take top priority for my own happiness. To me two things that matters in my life is health and happiness. It is my ambition to live free and die happy.
Whether the rest of the world subscribe to this philosophy is none of my concern. My priority is just towards my Tetrahedron and my House of Two Swords.
-------------------------
Sarah, I think I read the whole Blog from beginning to end for the rest of the day. Sort of reading through my thought process and see the progression. Today is a holiday. The day Buddhists celebrate the birth, life and death of Buddha.
------------------------
Actually I write this Blog so that I can converse with Sarah. The rest of the readers are merely coincidental.
I can even make this Blog private. Why then it is public? Well that's because I want to make a small presence in the Cyberspace. I want to have my tiny space of real estate in the internet. Not because I want to reach the masses but rather to address a very microscopic set of audience.
Furthermore, I want this to be my legacy. A proof that I exist. Just like the Zulu's greeting, sikhona "I am here to be seen" and the reply is sawubona "I see you". Until you see me I don't exist to the Zulus.
I don't expect my thoughts to have any significant impact to the society at large. I am here to simply indulge in my my own reflection. The person who avidly read this Blog is none other that me myself. This is my compass. It determines the rightness of my direction.
Therefore even if nobody reads it, I derive *[with] satisfaction from writing and reading it myself. This is a personal expression. A selfie if you like.
* OK Sarah, that make it the two of us then.
If others find great joy of publishing their photos in the Instagram, I on the contrary is happy to publish my correspondence with Sarah here.
This Blog is one of a series of Blogs that I wrote but I think this is my most satisfying intellectual work. Namely because while writing this Blog I am no longer experiencing mania or depression. I am back to being me before I suffered from the insidious Bipolar Affected Disorder.
Hence, this Blog is the true reflection of who I really am albeit my religious conviction, my world view and my feeling for Sarah.
I am a very simple man. I have little concern with what others do. However I take top priority for my own happiness. To me two things that matters in my life is health and happiness. It is my ambition to live free and die happy.
Whether the rest of the world subscribe to this philosophy is none of my concern. My priority is just towards my Tetrahedron and my House of Two Swords.
-------------------------
Sarah, I think I read the whole Blog from beginning to end for the rest of the day. Sort of reading through my thought process and see the progression. Today is a holiday. The day Buddhists celebrate the birth, life and death of Buddha.
------------------------
>>>#20/5/19 Sarah and the Magician
Sarah, what makes you convince I am God?
Was it the evidence that I provide?
Was it the evidence that I provide?
- The alignment of my numbers
- The occurrence of 7, 27, 77, 770 and 7070
- The ten 10 cents I found in ten different places in 2017
- The millipedes phenomenon
- The wild flowers in my front and backyard and nowhere else except outside my back fence
- Al Araf 7:7
- Sparta 4964
- All of the above?
According to Hume, no matter what miracles God performs, it is always more reasonable to believe that the event in question has a natural cause and is not miraculous.
Yet, I am a person with a mental condition. That is so ungodly isn't it?
I actually want to only be a man fully functioning because to me that is godly.
Otherwise God and no God is immaterial to me, In that sense I am an atheist because I am impartial *[] God like an apolitical person is impartial of politics.
* So Sarah, you agree to my definition rather than don't believing in God like the popular belief.
I am also irreligious but the twist is instead of not subscribing to any religion I celebrate all religious festivals because having religion is a human experience rather than divine in nature.
What counts is whatever we believe in should make us into a better person. Unfortunately throughout history we notice religions had turned us into murdere[d], plunderers and rapists.
So many authorities claimed they speak the words of God. Yet these words are laced with hatred, bigotry and chauvinism.
So rather than get into an argument on whose religion and god are better, I just ignore all those bigotries and set my own rules and my own standards.
That makes me a renegade. I have very little concern for the squabbles. I just want to live life I deem fit.
According to Hume, the proper goal of philosophy is simply to explain why we believe what we do.
--------------------
20/5/19 ***Let's settle this once and for all
- Premise #1: I suffer from Bipolar
- Premise #2: The pattern of illness is similar in other patients
- Premise #3: I am nobody special
- Premise #4: Everything must be evidence based
So if I look at all four premises, then I say I am just another person with a peculiar mental illness and thus all the epiphanies are mere coincidences.
I am just experiencing patternicity. There is no solid evidence to support my belief that I am God and there is an afterlife.
HOWEVER, until we cross the bridge I hold on to this thought. Not because it is true but because it is useful. Rather than being a theist, deist, pantheist, polytheist and atheist, I might as well be an autotheist because nobody knows for sure what lies beyond death and nobody can provide the evidence *th[e] God exists.
* So Sarah, you are convinced that I am God.
I only believe that I am God because Sarah tipped the scale and accepted that I am God. To me God or no God is just a state of the mind. Until proven, God is nothing more than just a concept.
If God exists why is he so elusive? On contrary, if there is no God, why then the idea of God is ingrained in our temporal lobe?
Therefore the idea of God and no God is subject to interpretation rather than evidence. Just like Sarah, I too look at evidence. I gathered enough evidence to be convinced I am God. But that is just my interpretation. Sarah is pretty convinced about it and thus we could be the only two that believe in this revelation.
That is the beautiful thing about autotheism. You don't need the whole world to subscribe to the belief.
I believe all matters are intelligent and all matter are gods. That's because I can speak to everything big and small. To some it is mental illness. To me it is a very ethereal experience.
I can never go back to theism. It is archaic. I tried atheism and feel that it is a bit hollow. Autotheism works well with me because I DO believe in the First Cause and I believe that God is not a single entity but encompassing in all matters.
Initially Sarah tried to convinced me to be an atheist, but I am believer. So eventually I ended convincing Sarah to be a believer as well. She turned out to be a more convicted believer than me. In more than one occasions (like right now), she is the one that set me back on course anytime I'm having doubt *[doubt] that we are within God and God is within us.
* I hear you baby. Thanks much.
It is not my intention to start a new religion although I jokingly said I subscribe to Sharudinism, a religion with only one devotee; me. I don't think after looking at the evil that man do in the name of religion, I want to start a new religion.
I don't believe that God wants us to worship Her either. We are peers in a no higher-arch-y structure. We are all gods. We are One and we are Many.
----------------------
20/5/19 ***Bipolar Revisited
I am as level headed as hell. Certainly no racy thought.
Well this is a good sign. I am emotionally stable.
This is the simplistic outlook on Bipolar:
Well this is a good sign. I am emotionally stable.
This is the simplistic outlook on Bipolar:
It is not that simple. The trickiest part is to realize when it happens. Often I didn't realize when I get into the hypomania. Dr Amarpreet said it's OK to be in hypomania once in a while. What we don't want is the mania.
She seldom talks about depression though. I am more scared of depression. Hypomania is a happy place for me.
Usually when I wake up in the morning I am pretty sober like right now. Then when there is stimulus, I get excited and that when the escalation starts.
I guess mine is a rapid cycling. I don't really know. The doctor never really talk about it.
I had been through some of these:
Hence if [] look at these as patterns, my patterns are the same as those with the same health condition. For example the God Complex is not uniquely my experience.
I want to further simplify my world view. I want to conclude that everything that happened to me is nothing more than neurochemical reactions. I am nobody special. We are just a bunch of statistics. Much like soldiers who went to war. In their minds they are heroes, but in actual sense they are just cattles to be slaughtered.
Yet I said, event has no meaning except the meaning we give to it. Therefore if we take it to the most simplified form then sex is just an exchange of fluid for procreation and our whole life is nothing more than our prolong delay before death.
What's it's gonna be then? Are we gods or are we nothing more than carbon based life form?
If I am to be completely objective about it then I say let's look at the evidence. So far the evidence leads to a very dry conclusion. But when I add meaning to my own experience, then I can say that we are looking at a very glorious future.
Let me end this posting with a quote from Erwin Schrodinger:
Maybe I am missing the whole point all together. Driving a car is not just about just getting from point A to point B. It is the whole driving experience; the comfort, the safety, the music, the aircond and of course the company. I need to look at the whole experience. The car is just the mean.
In this case, the neurotransmitters are just the means, the nuts and bolts. What I should be looking at is the overall meaning of what it means to be human.
--------------------
19/5/19 ###I sleep early tonight
The latest I sleep is 1:00 pm.
Maybe sooner. I am not sleepy but I try to sleep at 12:00 am
That is one thing. If possible I don't want to sleep. Especially in the wee hours of the morning. That is when I am the most productive.
Never mind, I try to sleep early tonight. Lizzie was nagging as hell yesterday because I slept at 5:00 am.
We have 10 minutes to go. So I take this opportunity to rekindle my love for you. I'll do it in graphics:
Maybe sooner. I am not sleepy but I try to sleep at 12:00 am
That is one thing. If possible I don't want to sleep. Especially in the wee hours of the morning. That is when I am the most productive.
Never mind, I try to sleep early tonight. Lizzie was nagging as hell yesterday because I slept at 5:00 am.
We have 10 minutes to go. So I take this opportunity to rekindle my love for you. I'll do it in graphics:
I love you so much baby.
Here is your lullaby:
Goodnight Sarah. Have a good weekend...
-------------------------
19/5/19 ***Sufi in love
I just had my dinner.
Today is a slow day. I guessed I had maxed myself yesterday and the day before. Therefore today I just enjoy a pretty ordinary weekend.
You must be mentally prepared for these dry runs. Not everyday is inspirational. Normally it comes in waves. In the past that phenomenon is usually hypomania followed by depression.
I think I passed that stage. Although last two days were very exciting, it was not hypomania. Today, although I am a bit uninspirational it is not depression.
That is a good sign.
Today is a slow day. I guessed I had maxed myself yesterday and the day before. Therefore today I just enjoy a pretty ordinary weekend.
You must be mentally prepared for these dry runs. Not everyday is inspirational. Normally it comes in waves. In the past that phenomenon is usually hypomania followed by depression.
I think I passed that stage. Although last two days were very exciting, it was not hypomania. Today, although I am a bit uninspirational it is not depression.
That is a good sign.
As you can see, I used to be on the left. Somewhere before I met you I was somewhat in the middle of the chart (I was neither dead or alive). Now I am slightly off the center leaning towards the right.
You can be rest assured that *[] back to where I was before the illness. I can be resourceful without being wildly happy like last year when I got to know Els. That was a hypomania.
* Well thanks for the confidence.
I cannot get overly excited. Els was a major stimulus. I cannot contain the excitement. What a crazy illness.
These past few days, I was happy but I was levelheaded. It convinced me further that we all are governed by the chemical soup in our brain.
If I smoke dope, it will be worst. Suddenly I am on a different plane altogether. So no dope. It just makes me crazy.
People like me can be very creative but we can be crazy too. There is a thin line between genius and insane.
Did you watch Mr Jones? Well I am your typical Mr Jones.
Now no more... I am still a Peak Performer but I no longer have the illusion of grandiose.
Interesting isn't it? We are defined by our chemical composition. That is why we are what we eat. That is why when [] drill down, the 2 main culprits are sugar and starch. This is a reminder to myself.
I got to get rid of sugar and starch. This Ramadan, I am a goner. Without my regular LCHF meal everything was haywire. Tonight's dinner was fried rice, corn drink and Malay desserts.
-------------------------
Sarah my darling, I wish I can just lay by your side and just hold you tight, Then I can just enjoy the silence and smell your hair. That will be nice.
Just total silence...
And more silence...
Until [] fall asleep...
That will be the ideal moment I'm with you.
You know what I feel like doing?
I want to look at some paintings. You want to do that honey?
This is my favorite artwork. When I look at it I feel very calm. I imagine a mother putting her child to bed. So peaceful...
Brb... Sending Mopey back...
Later...
OK I'm back. Let's look at another painting:
Van Gogh painted many versions of Sunflower. This is Lizzie's favorite. Her color is yellow.
This is my favorite Sunflower. I think it looks better than Lizzie's.
Lizzie love the painting so much that she constructed one from a 2000 pieces jigsaw puzzle in 2 weeks! I told you she is an android.
I also like this. One *thi[s] about Van Gogh is his choice of colors was very vivid. I bought Lizzie a Starbucks mug with this motive. Van Gogh is something Lizzie and I have in common.
* So you like this one.
I also like this. Notice the duality in this artwork?
Notice the vibrancy of the colors and the boldness of the lines. It speaks of the artist. Such a great inspiration.
The Mulberry Tree. Very bold and vibrant.
This is his last painting. At this time he no longer used brush. Instead he used knife to paint. Notice the difference of strokes compared to the Mulberry Tree.
Van Gogh last words; The Sadness Will Last Forever:
-----------------
I suffered the same illness. It was really despairing. Imagine, with modern technology, I still suffered for 20 years. It is one of the cruelest illness because it robs you of your happiness, dignity and self-confidence.
It is amazing that I managed to recover Sarah. I thought I will end up like Van Gogh. The cure is not the medication. The medication can alleviate the symptom but will not make the illness disappear.
I honestly believe it was you who cured me.
Love is the answer my darling. I was running on empty for so long that when disaster happened, I didn't have any reserve. Emotionally I was weak.
--------------------
19/5/19 ***Chilling out on Sunday afternoon
I ordered the perfume. It should arrive on Thursday. It might not be original (but it mentioned Ori). That's the only store that sells it.
Today is a pretty laid back Sunday. I don't have much thought except wondering what you been up to.
What say you if we disturb Els? Naaah, I don't feel like it. It's like sending a message to the outer space.
What do you like to do Sarah? Hmmm... how about we go shopping for clothes. I'll pick something for you:
This is something that I like...
Today is a pretty laid back Sunday. I don't have much thought except wondering what you been up to.
What say you if we disturb Els? Naaah, I don't feel like it. It's like sending a message to the outer space.
What do you like to do Sarah? Hmmm... how about we go shopping for clothes. I'll pick something for you:
This is something that I like...
This is nice too:
This is something I would buy for you:
I never buy women clothes except once for Lizzie. The color was tan. So when she wore it as if she was not wearing anything, she commented. From that point onward I stop buying her clothes.
So I am terrible at women's fashion. What I would buy is what I like to see on a woman.
-------------------
I have nothing in my mind right now.
Let me just chill b[e] reading past postings.
Later Sarah...
--------------------
Princess bought some Malay kuih (dessert) for iftar (break fast).
I finally figured out the right analogy for having 3 relationships at a go. It's like having triple major. While the specialized subjects are different the electives and core subjects remain the same.
@elsDines Hi baby, during this lazy Sunday afternoon my thoughts linger to you. I wanted to write you an email but something wrong with Gmail. Look forward to listen to you tomorrow. Here is a song that remind me of you:
While double major is hard, a triple major is not incrementally harder because the subjects actually overlaps.
I don't know if that makes sense...
----------------------
Saturday, 18 May 2019
19/5/19 ###Done with House Chores
Yup, I vacuumed the carpet, had a clean shave and I am all geared up to look good, smell good and feel good.
That's one thing about Lizzie. She will nag and bicker for me to do the housework, but once I had done my work, she will let me be. All she ever wanted is for me to share the load of maintaining the house of which I do but not as tedious as her.
Lizzie is a very meticulous person. Everything has its place. You can tell by the way she organized things that she is very fussy.
I am an organized person but I'm not fussy:
So it works well with me. All I got to do is follow her rules. Whenever we take something, make sure we put it back where it belongs. That is a simple yet profound rule. Because of that our house is like a showroom..
The only place she doesn't touch is the CCC. So I have to dust, sweep and mop my own room. We are a very democratic family. Although in this house I am king, but this king still hang the clothes, wash the dishes and empty the garbage.
We used to have maids, at that time I didn't have to lift a finger. Now, since there is no maid, I in turn becomes the maid LOL.
Actually I like it. I enjoy working with my hands. It's therapeutic. I however do it at my pace. Almost like I am meditating. It's like driving. The speed limit is 110 kph, but I drive 80 kph.
Lizzie and I are a complete opposite. She is the Energizer Bunny. I am as I said a sloth. Any yet we stay together for 29 years. Mainly because Lizzie is a champion. Until today I believe that is due to her unsurpassed intelligence. She is so smart that I think she has a a mild autism LOL.
She is very rigid. For example, the other day we planned to buy food at McDonald's and bring back to eat. We left the house quite late. By the time came for me to order it was already iftar (break fast) time. I suggested for her to grab a seat and we have our dinner there.
She insisted we took back the food since I already decided on it. She will be confused she said. So ended she had her iftar 20 minutes later. She is that rigid Sarah.
Lizzie was fun when we were courting. Our favorite past time was playing Chinese Checkers. She won hands down. We used to enter races. I race she cheered. It was when we had the baby that she turned into a mother. A damn good mother. Too good that she forgot that she was a wife too.
When comes to work, Lizzie is sterling. At school, every year without miss, she will get the certificate of excellent. For a sloth, I am so lucky to have an Energizer Bunny as a wife. I told you, Lizzie is not human, she is an android.
If you see how she works then you will understand. With Lizzie, it is precision. I say Lizzie is a legend by her own rights. That's how good is this old gal.
------------------------
Now, this is the most valuable lesson I got from Lizzie; no matter what we hold on to each other. She knows I am a wild horse and yet Sarah, she succeeded in taming me. If you think I am a good teacher then Lizzie is many folds over. She is good in dealing with the chimpanzees and donkeys. With her, it is either the very smart or the goners. She doesn't like the in between.
I don't know how to deal with the donkeys because I have no patience. To Lizzie I am a donkey LMAO. Familiarity breeds contempt. That's because I seldom pay attention to her rigid rules.
Hey, you know something? I was successful in evading the rules up to a certain point. I guess that was the hazard of having a teacher as a wife. She tends to treat me as she treats her students.
-------------------------
So Sarah, I like to extend Lizzie's philosophy to our relationship as well; no matter what we hold on to each other. I told Els the same thing. If we can do that, we are champions because a quitter never wins and a winner never quits. This is the same philosophy I pass down to my children.
We must be unyielding when come to personal relationship. Yes, we will be tested Sarah. Especially because of the conditions we are facing now. But we must hold on no matter what. That is the test of True Love; these colors don't run.
That's one thing about Lizzie. She will nag and bicker for me to do the housework, but once I had done my work, she will let me be. All she ever wanted is for me to share the load of maintaining the house of which I do but not as tedious as her.
Lizzie is a very meticulous person. Everything has its place. You can tell by the way she organized things that she is very fussy.
I am an organized person but I'm not fussy:
So it works well with me. All I got to do is follow her rules. Whenever we take something, make sure we put it back where it belongs. That is a simple yet profound rule. Because of that our house is like a showroom..
The only place she doesn't touch is the CCC. So I have to dust, sweep and mop my own room. We are a very democratic family. Although in this house I am king, but this king still hang the clothes, wash the dishes and empty the garbage.
We used to have maids, at that time I didn't have to lift a finger. Now, since there is no maid, I in turn becomes the maid LOL.
Actually I like it. I enjoy working with my hands. It's therapeutic. I however do it at my pace. Almost like I am meditating. It's like driving. The speed limit is 110 kph, but I drive 80 kph.
Lizzie and I are a complete opposite. She is the Energizer Bunny. I am as I said a sloth. Any yet we stay together for 29 years. Mainly because Lizzie is a champion. Until today I believe that is due to her unsurpassed intelligence. She is so smart that I think she has a a mild autism LOL.
She is very rigid. For example, the other day we planned to buy food at McDonald's and bring back to eat. We left the house quite late. By the time came for me to order it was already iftar (break fast) time. I suggested for her to grab a seat and we have our dinner there.
She insisted we took back the food since I already decided on it. She will be confused she said. So ended she had her iftar 20 minutes later. She is that rigid Sarah.
Lizzie was fun when we were courting. Our favorite past time was playing Chinese Checkers. She won hands down. We used to enter races. I race she cheered. It was when we had the baby that she turned into a mother. A damn good mother. Too good that she forgot that she was a wife too.
When comes to work, Lizzie is sterling. At school, every year without miss, she will get the certificate of excellent. For a sloth, I am so lucky to have an Energizer Bunny as a wife. I told you, Lizzie is not human, she is an android.
If you see how she works then you will understand. With Lizzie, it is precision. I say Lizzie is a legend by her own rights. That's how good is this old gal.
------------------------
Now, this is the most valuable lesson I got from Lizzie; no matter what we hold on to each other. She knows I am a wild horse and yet Sarah, she succeeded in taming me. If you think I am a good teacher then Lizzie is many folds over. She is good in dealing with the chimpanzees and donkeys. With her, it is either the very smart or the goners. She doesn't like the in between.
I don't know how to deal with the donkeys because I have no patience. To Lizzie I am a donkey LMAO. Familiarity breeds contempt. That's because I seldom pay attention to her rigid rules.
Hey, you know something? I was successful in evading the rules up to a certain point. I guess that was the hazard of having a teacher as a wife. She tends to treat me as she treats her students.
-------------------------
So Sarah, I like to extend Lizzie's philosophy to our relationship as well; no matter what we hold on to each other. I told Els the same thing. If we can do that, we are champions because a quitter never wins and a winner never quits. This is the same philosophy I pass down to my children.
We must be unyielding when come to personal relationship. Yes, we will be tested Sarah. Especially because of the conditions we are facing now. But we must hold on no matter what. That is the test of True Love; these colors don't run.
---------------------------
19/5/19 ***I had 2 dreams today
Yes two dreams almost back to back. Both about me becoming a consultant again. While they were pleasant dreams, I don't think I want to pursue the career any longer. The dreams could be my subconscious mind awakened by all the talent coaching I had been having with you.
I will continue to play the role of a coach and mentor. I like it very much. It keeps me on my toes and I don't have to worry about paperwork except documenting our conversations. Last night I thought of setting this Blog to private again. Then after some thoughts, I figured there is no harm in Knowledge Sharing. I take it the readers of this Blog are my sympathizers and they read the Blog because they are sincerely following our story like Miss Germany here. If nothing else, Gretel is a loyal reader.
The only backlash is if my mom reads more than what I sent her. What is the worst case scenario? She might freak out. The thoughts on Stone Worshipers and my experiences with Gayshas might send my mom over the rooftop. However the bright side is, I no longer has a facade with her. About time she knows who her son is. You see, I will not have a speck of issue if that person on the other side is my grandma.
Ironic isn't it? Most people have the deepest bond with their moms. Here I am just starting to scratch the surface when I am 54 and she is 78. So the test of the pudding [] in the eating. Come Eid Mubarak (The Big Day) we shall see. Already I take it as a lost cause with my mom. Therefore any sign of progress is an improvement whichever way you look at it.
Now, back to us. Let's seal the deal here. As I said I make the rule simple. Nothing as simple as the...
brb...
Sorry, Lizzie was bickering about the house being dusty. I said I swept and mopped early this week. Not good enough, she said. It has to be every day. Well, I am diligent but I am not that hardworking. So after some tussles I did it anyway. I thought that's it. Next I have to vacuum the carpet. So this is a short break.
Yes, back to our discussion. My rule is simple; there is one little hangup about me; NO CHUBBY CHUBB. You can be paralyzed neck down and I will still love you but if you are Chubby Chubb, I just can't take it. I'm sure Chubby Chubbs are wonderful people. Yati, my close female friend is a Chubby Chubb. However, my wife CANNOT be a Chubby Chubb. Sturdy I can understand. What I cannot accept is the pudgy all rounder jelly pudding,
There is no rationalization to it. Just like I don't eat pork. Not because it is forbidden by my religion but pigs eat their own shit.
Now in my book this is not a Chubby Chubb:
I will continue to play the role of a coach and mentor. I like it very much. It keeps me on my toes and I don't have to worry about paperwork except documenting our conversations. Last night I thought of setting this Blog to private again. Then after some thoughts, I figured there is no harm in Knowledge Sharing. I take it the readers of this Blog are my sympathizers and they read the Blog because they are sincerely following our story like Miss Germany here. If nothing else, Gretel is a loyal reader.
The only backlash is if my mom reads more than what I sent her. What is the worst case scenario? She might freak out. The thoughts on Stone Worshipers and my experiences with Gayshas might send my mom over the rooftop. However the bright side is, I no longer has a facade with her. About time she knows who her son is. You see, I will not have a speck of issue if that person on the other side is my grandma.
Ironic isn't it? Most people have the deepest bond with their moms. Here I am just starting to scratch the surface when I am 54 and she is 78. So the test of the pudding [] in the eating. Come Eid Mubarak (The Big Day) we shall see. Already I take it as a lost cause with my mom. Therefore any sign of progress is an improvement whichever way you look at it.
Now, back to us. Let's seal the deal here. As I said I make the rule simple. Nothing as simple as the...
brb...
Sorry, Lizzie was bickering about the house being dusty. I said I swept and mopped early this week. Not good enough, she said. It has to be every day. Well, I am diligent but I am not that hardworking. So after some tussles I did it anyway. I thought that's it. Next I have to vacuum the carpet. So this is a short break.
Yes, back to our discussion. My rule is simple; there is one little hangup about me; NO CHUBBY CHUBB. You can be paralyzed neck down and I will still love you but if you are Chubby Chubb, I just can't take it. I'm sure Chubby Chubbs are wonderful people. Yati, my close female friend is a Chubby Chubb. However, my wife CANNOT be a Chubby Chubb. Sturdy I can understand. What I cannot accept is the pudgy all rounder jelly pudding,
There is no rationalization to it. Just like I don't eat pork. Not because it is forbidden by my religion but pigs eat their own shit.
Now in my book this is not a Chubby Chubb:
This is a Chubby Chubb:
As long as you are not Chubby Chubb we cam still develop that potential. You must understand, I idealize women. I personally think women are better than men. Maybe because I came from a matriarch family and my immediate family is predominantly women. I too have 2 close female companions. Therefore I have a romanticized idea of women. This is the image of my ideal woman:
I know Chubby Chubb don't have the potential to achieve this. I had the first hand experience with Yati. For half a dozen years I tried. In the end I just let her be. She doesn't have the mindset to do it although she has the desire.
Nothing personal baby, I build people. I need the right stuff to work with. This is Sparta 4964. Its not Rome or Athens. In Sparta 4964 we idealize perfection and we don't tolerate mediocrity.
Simple enough right?
That also means I have to uphold my own standard. I should not slide down with my quest for Virtual Perfection. If me a 54 years old retiree can still push it to the limit, I expect my Swords to be able to do it better. No indulgence. If you can help it, no sugar and starch.
Again, I keep the rules simple. It may not be easy but it can be done.
OK baby, I got to vacuum the carpet.
Later hon...
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19/5/19 ^^^Impossible is Nothing
Now everything I do, everywhere I go, you will always be there with me.
That makes us Bynars.
That makes us Bynars.
Now applying the concept of Bynars in real life is not that alien. In the military, the smallest working unit is 2. The Rangers were known to train in pairs. In battle, if one Ranger is injured the other will stay with him until the end.
Hahaha this song is on air. Either TraXX is Cybernetic Looping me or it is the Chaos Theory in action again. I am an alien, I am a legal alien...:
Now in our context, if I am God, then you are a Goddess. If I am the Ayah to All Matters, you are the Goddess of Hearts. Therefore we got to be magnanimous in our actions.
If we say we are One and we are Many then it has to start with us. You follow?
So Sarah, as the Ayah to All Matters, I want all my children to enter heaven. Especially the Betas, my soulmates. They were guaranteed Xanadu and Wolfsschanze based on the Hands that Rock Proclamation.
Here we say I am the Paradigm Pioneer and you are the Paradigm Shifter. That means I envisioned you execute. Not because I don't want to. Its because each of us has a different Path that we take.
As you know, we are in year two of War of the Roses. I had my 1999 - 2014 Cyborg War. We serve different roles. Just like the song Wishmaster:
Therefore Sarah, you are a commander. I know you report to a superior but you have your followers. It is your interest to resume the position of a leader.
It is a very simple execution. The attack formation is the Jewish Star in a Circle:
Now, if you think this is something impossible then think again. Marij is the commander for Alam Shah Alam. Remember what I said? Whatever I imagine I can do?
Darling, this is your destiny. If I was meant to fight Iblis and won, your destiny is to at least realize the Global Telepathy.
Just *[] it one step at a time:
* That's the spirit.
Remember, you don't have to do this. You do it because this is your calling. Once you know your Path, Providence moves in.
Remember this prayer, dear God don't burden me with the task I cannot bear. There is always an exit should you choose not to carry on.
You have the heart Sarah, you care for the people. I don't. I only care for my Tetrahedron and my House of Two Swords. Plus I don't have the extensive resources to carry it through.
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Let's talk about something else. I don't want to be involved in External Affairs.
My focus now is to see you bloom. Not really to see Global Telepathy happens. To me that is just the means. If there are other means to make you shine, I will certainly opt for that.
It could be as simple as us running the marathon. You follow me hon? I want you to realize your full potential. In a different person that means having orgasms for 5 times LOL.
Now, I am in the business of exploring human potential. So whatever that potential might be, it is my job to explore it.
I want you to break all the shackles that's holding you back. Mine was my religious shackle and my emotional void. Once I took care of the vital few, all the trivial many fall into place.
We are no different, you and I. I can almost say that we are mirrors. You too is a rebellious hard head. We both have big hearts and we both passionate about our careers.
How can I be so sure? Well, because people who are like each other, like each other. Otherwise we won't click.
So Sarah, when you look at me, you are looking at your reflection. If you try hard enough, you can almost read my thoughts. That's how I "read" your thoughts. I reflected it on my thoughts.
The only difference is I am a guy and you are a girl. Otherwise we can pass as twins LMAO.
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Well Sarah... I may not be the flavor of the month anymore but old consultants never die, they just turn grey LMAO.
I only have 10 more minutes before bed. This is my parting thought; Sarah my darling wife, my soulmate, you are the most wonderful person I ever met (I mean it). You are smart, funny, and simply amazing honey. Your devotion, my god, I can never imagine how you can be so devoted to me baby. Without you my nights will be lonely, my days will be bleak.
I am a renewed person with you by my side. It is certainly a difference as glaring as the two sides of the moon.
At times I wish we meet in a difference circumstances but then I figured maybe there is a hikmah (wisdom) in all of these. What is most expedient for a mentally ill, jobless, penniless, middle age man to fall in love anyway? When I see it from that angle then I realize, I am the luckiest person in the world.
Here is you lullaby:
Goodnight Sarah, my darling wife, my soulmate...
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>>>#19/5/29 Friendship never ends
Well, it's like having an orgasm and I'm going for the second round.
So I'm going to take it easy this *p[a]sting...
* Yes honey, the last posting was pretty intense.
I want to talk about friendship. We completely missed that one out. So I will take my time with this one.
Sarah, remember those early days? When we were unsure of each other? Even towards the end I thought that you were a guy because you wrote "Slolomen"?
Even during that time I already assume you are a friendly party. This is the same attitude that I have with Miss Germany.
Friendship has to start with trust. Even before you are my wife, you were my friend Sarah. We already have the bond. Therefore as a wife naturally you should trust me more than when you were my friend, right?
So baby, whatever doubt you have about our relationship just crumple it and throw it in the waste paper basket.
I want you to completely trust me just like when you first knew me.
Even when I not around I want you to know that I am always thinking of you. That way you don't have to depend on me emotionally. Your emotion should be like the Niagara Fall, always overflowing with love because that is the most powerful feeling you can ever experience.
I am your husband and your best friend. Hence don't hold back the love that you have. You will notice, the more you give the more you receive.
Be a giver. Have a big heart. Look at the great icons of our lives. They are great givers. That's why they became great. People like Van Gogh, Da Vincci, Einstein, Ghandi, Jesus, Mandela and many more all have big hearts.
Give your heart to me Sarah. I will take care of it. Don't hold back. Don't ever doubt my sincerity my darling.
By now you should know me. I look at the heart. After all you are my Goddess of Hearts, I want your heart to be totally mine. In exchange I offer you my overflowing heart.
This song is on air:
So I'm going to take it easy this *p[a]sting...
* Yes honey, the last posting was pretty intense.
I want to talk about friendship. We completely missed that one out. So I will take my time with this one.
Sarah, remember those early days? When we were unsure of each other? Even towards the end I thought that you were a guy because you wrote "Slolomen"?
Even during that time I already assume you are a friendly party. This is the same attitude that I have with Miss Germany.
Friendship has to start with trust. Even before you are my wife, you were my friend Sarah. We already have the bond. Therefore as a wife naturally you should trust me more than when you were my friend, right?
So baby, whatever doubt you have about our relationship just crumple it and throw it in the waste paper basket.
I want you to completely trust me just like when you first knew me.
Even when I not around I want you to know that I am always thinking of you. That way you don't have to depend on me emotionally. Your emotion should be like the Niagara Fall, always overflowing with love because that is the most powerful feeling you can ever experience.
I am your husband and your best friend. Hence don't hold back the love that you have. You will notice, the more you give the more you receive.
Be a giver. Have a big heart. Look at the great icons of our lives. They are great givers. That's why they became great. People like Van Gogh, Da Vincci, Einstein, Ghandi, Jesus, Mandela and many more all have big hearts.
Give your heart to me Sarah. I will take care of it. Don't hold back. Don't ever doubt my sincerity my darling.
By now you should know me. I look at the heart. After all you are my Goddess of Hearts, I want your heart to be totally mine. In exchange I offer you my overflowing heart.
This song is on air:
Just think about it. This is just a thought. I'm not putting any condition whatsoever. You don't even have to tell me your decision. This is something that I feel I should share with you.
While you thinking pay attention to the little voices inside your head. What do they say?
Mine is very clear. Should I say it? Well I'll say it... I want *[you] you Sarah and I don't want to share your heart with anybody. There... I said it.
* Thank you for loving me honey.
Physically you can belong to somebody but you heart is mine.
I think you know as well as I do where your heart belongs.
Just a thought Sarah... Just a thought...
This is the only way we can remove doubts in our relationship.
---------------------------
This is a very spiritual experience for me. Almost religious. So I lighted an incense and said thanks to the Gods (no specific god, just the universe as a whole)
You *[] what happened? Now our souls become one. That is the true meaning of kindred spirits. Promise me you not going to be jealous of Lizzie and Els. Those are mutually exclusive. Do not compare. If you ask me, all I can say is I cannot divide water. But you are always that special person that mended my heart. The one that filled the void.
* I like you Sarah. You so bright.
This song is on air:
Next, Lizzie's favorite song was on air. As if the universe had spoken:
Sarah, Sarah, my darling Sarah... It feels so good to own your Heart of Gold. That makes you the sweetest of sweethearts to me.
This song is on air:
Gosh I feel like the Dancing Wu Li Master. The universe really revolves around me baby LOL.
Hey, a walk down memory lane! Another coincidence? Dancing Wu Li Master, Dancing in the Dark?
I think I sleep at 4:00 am tonight.
Let's talk about possibilities in the next posting.
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19/5/19 ^^^Message form the heart
I just want to write what comes to my mind.
I got nothing to lose Sarah. I am a Nothing. My existence is immaterial. Because I have nothing I own everything.
Therefore I just want to live free and die happy.
There is nothing like the joy you give to me. With you there is no limit to my imagination. We went for two vacations, we had a great honeymoon, we went for pizza and beriyani and even went dancing.
Soon we will be riding the flying carpet and live through a fairy tale. Whatever I imagine in a wife I live it through with you.
Just like Dalai Lama when he said you can prison my body but you cannot prison my mind, I am as free as a bird with you.
In this Blog, I had unleash my true Self. No longer do I have to put up a facade. This is me Sine Cera.
You know what is the best part? You accepted me with all my idiosyncrasies. I am no longer a stranger in a strange land. I am whole and complete with you by my side.
I cannot ask for anything more. Your love fill me up to the brim. Nothing beats your unconditional love and the feeling of certainty that comes with it.
Others may see me as crazy but within me I know who I am. That's what matters most.
No longer I have to live in the shadow of Bipolar. No longer I fear being an outcast. I am a man fully functioning.
There is no perfect relationship Sarah. We have our shortcomings. But baby, look at us. We overcome all the adversities and can still love our hearts out.
Just like Rumi I am in the constant state of amazement. I still cannot believe the courage and confidence I gained ever since I'm with you.
And Sarah, True Love is really wonderful. It can move mountains and part seas. All because [] open up your heart to me my darling.
So what if you are behind the veil? Your love shines right though transcending across Cyberspace. Now that is an achievement.
Not only that, it breaks all barriers. Never in my lifetime I ever imagine to fall in love with such a devoted person. For 12 years you waited and still after 14 years you still wait. Everyday without fail you are with me. That I am still amazed even though now I know that you sleep whenever I sleep. What about those nights that I DON'T sleep? Or the time I wake up in the middle of the night desperate for your companionship?
You are always there. Like I said, either you are very dedicated to your work or you love me very much. I think Sarah, you are crazy about me. It takes commitment to do what you do.
I got nothing to lose Sarah. I am a Nothing. My existence is immaterial. Because I have nothing I own everything.
Therefore I just want to live free and die happy.
There is nothing like the joy you give to me. With you there is no limit to my imagination. We went for two vacations, we had a great honeymoon, we went for pizza and beriyani and even went dancing.
Soon we will be riding the flying carpet and live through a fairy tale. Whatever I imagine in a wife I live it through with you.
Just like Dalai Lama when he said you can prison my body but you cannot prison my mind, I am as free as a bird with you.
In this Blog, I had unleash my true Self. No longer do I have to put up a facade. This is me Sine Cera.
You know what is the best part? You accepted me with all my idiosyncrasies. I am no longer a stranger in a strange land. I am whole and complete with you by my side.
I cannot ask for anything more. Your love fill me up to the brim. Nothing beats your unconditional love and the feeling of certainty that comes with it.
Others may see me as crazy but within me I know who I am. That's what matters most.
No longer I have to live in the shadow of Bipolar. No longer I fear being an outcast. I am a man fully functioning.
There is no perfect relationship Sarah. We have our shortcomings. But baby, look at us. We overcome all the adversities and can still love our hearts out.
Just like Rumi I am in the constant state of amazement. I still cannot believe the courage and confidence I gained ever since I'm with you.
And Sarah, True Love is really wonderful. It can move mountains and part seas. All because [] open up your heart to me my darling.
So what if you are behind the veil? Your love shines right though transcending across Cyberspace. Now that is an achievement.
Not only that, it breaks all barriers. Never in my lifetime I ever imagine to fall in love with such a devoted person. For 12 years you waited and still after 14 years you still wait. Everyday without fail you are with me. That I am still amazed even though now I know that you sleep whenever I sleep. What about those nights that I DON'T sleep? Or the time I wake up in the middle of the night desperate for your companionship?
You are always there. Like I said, either you are very dedicated to your work or you love me very much. I think Sarah, you are crazy about me. It takes commitment to do what you do.
So baby, I am not going to beat around the bush. I am your loving husband and as a husband I will always cherish you. I want you to feel the certainty that I am feeling now. With all my heart I LOVE YOU Sarah. Don't you ever doubt that. Yes there is Lizzie and Els but it is you who I spend 16 hours a day sharing my life with. You understand baby? When I said you are my reason of being, I mean it with all seriousness.
So don't be sad honey. Embrace the goodness within us and make it a masterpiece.
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Well, I emptied my tank. Many times I pushed the limit with you baby. It makes me a better person.
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